Pieces of a broken self….

Blank and scared

of all that makes it stumble.

The layers peeled off

and exposed,

to the harsh winters

and sometimes,

to the raging sun.

When the clutter spreads around

and fails to converge,

despite the endless attempts to gather, to bind.

I hope for a ray of sunshine that will not get blurred,

and will make me garner

all the pieces of my broken self.

Advertisements

A small prayer….

Image

I ask for the sanity of my mind in times like these.

I ask for the belief that I can make things better.

I ask for confidence that does not get dwindled by small failures each single day.

I ask for the strength to work hard and harder.

I ask for the well being of my loved ones.

I ask for substance to stick to the decisions I made for myself

And

I ask for courage to accept that they were wrong

But

I also ask for the vigour to correct my mistakes and make things better.

I pray to put my best foot forward in all I do.

I know there is someone above who wants me to do the best I can.

And So, I pray that I never fail to smile to the little joys of everyday life.

For the friend that you are ….

Since the time I remember, I have looked up to you for the kind of friend you are and I sincerely wished if I had half the qualities you possess,  I would consider myself the best human being alive. You can be anywhere if friendship demands, and I sometimes wonder “Is that for real,I mean how is it possible to be like this”, how is it possible to have so compassion and so little or rather no grudges with anybody. I have seen you arguing and debating with innumerable people  in the past two years but have I ever seen you talking ill about the other person once the discussion is over.  Whatever you have to say, is said in front of the person and there is no question of you discussing it with someone else  because once the debate is over you can carry on like nothing happened, you don’t have any grievance,or resentment. How do you manage to do that, even with people who will talk ill endlessly about someone else but in front of the person they change colors quicker than a chameleon would ever do, they would lack a spine to take a stand.

I sometimes wondered, how on earth is it possible  that people do not understand this nature of yours but then as I saw you year after year, I realized that they are scared to show their dark side or are too spineless to question something wrong. I so feel like protecting you like a mother protects her baby from all wrongs, but I so wish that  you could deal with people the same practical way as you deal with your own emotions, I wish you could recognize between friends and foes and never go on helping and thinking about people who do not matter.

You are a gem of a friend to have and you deserve the same kind of gems to yourself. It is just not possible that every single person whom you meet in life will acknowledge this quality of yours, and it hurts me to see you hurt,that too by goons who lack the sense of anything including common sense.

So today,I decide that I will stop you from lending a help to someone who does not value you, even stop you from accommodating people who have lacked courtesy in the past and you cannot hope for anything better from them in the future.

In short, I will not let anyone in the world take you for granted because you are and will always be my best friend.

I would miss you Dadaji……..

For, the smell of mustard oil would always remind me of you….

For, whenever I come across a “Kadambini“,I would be recalled of the numerous ones I read from your bookshelf,not once but sometimes twice….

For, as a child,how much pride I took to hear you speak the most flawless,fluent English….

For, the sound of radio that would be on from morning 7 till it was time for you to go to bed….

For, the crisp safari suits you wore….

For , everybody in the house would come down running with a “Ji”,the moment you call one name….

For, the happiness in your voice when Dadi showed you the saree I got for her….

For, I believed,that at an age of 91,you were the strongest and fittest person I ever came across who handled business transactions with the same zeal….

I never thought I would not get a chance to see you again when I met you last year,

That I really believed you would be alright when Mom told me you were unwell….

And I never thought you would go away….

That the house at Udaipur would never feel the same without you,

That it breaks my heart to imagine Dadi, with whom you shared a wedlock of more than seventy golden years,without your physical presence…

And I feel so sorry that I never had the chance to hold your ageing hands to help you walk down the stairs…

That I could never tell you that I share your passion for reading with equal measure….

That it never crossed my mind to gift you a book or a Pen when I literally was searching for a suitable gift for you….

That I wanted you to know that I took so much pride in you….

That how much ever little time I spent with you,you are and will always be my favorite Grandparent.

And I so pray that you are in a happy place up there…Rest in Peace Dadaji!!!!

I miss you!!!!

Thankful….

is what I am.

I wrote in the last few posts that there was some major decision making happening at the career front. Well, I resigned from my job,got relieved,went home,gave tests,took interviews and I am still jobless. Inability to decide what to go for,endless confusions,preparing oneself to take up some opportunity and witnessing it slip out just when I was so close to grab it. I cried to sleep umpteen number of times not because I failed,  but because I felt I deserved certain things that were grabbed off just because of there are plain idiots sitting at higher positions in organisations that are supposed to be the lifelines of an economy. People told me, not to dishearten myself,that I would have better opportunities in my kitty,that I deserve better,but deserving better should not really take off the things that you really deserved at that point of time. This evening too, I was teary-eyed for something that went wrong when I read this :

http://cybernag.in/2012/08/a-love-story/

The story gave me goosebumps and taught an important lesson.

And, I realized how thankless have I been in the past few days just for the matter of some failures that almost everybody gets to face in their professional lives. It made me feel guilty for being self-centered,for cribbing over the smallest things.,Just when I realized, in this tough professional phase there are so many personal bounties I am blessed with. Parents calling me twice daily to check how am I doing,instilling faith,confidence and trust. A little sis with whom I can share my deepest fears and wildest fantasies, a dost who is always there no matter what time of the day it is, a city I know well and the comfort the place I stay gives me. I thank my stars,for not everybody gets a chance or rather the luxury to quit and decide.

I have had enough of a tensed “me”, because this is one decision I took for myself,nobody forced me or rather everybody encouraged me to move further with bigger dreams and aspirations and I now realize that nothing in life comes easy. That the struggles I face, are a part of the decision i took, and the pains I take today will promise me a happier and more satisfactory tomorrow.

 

 

 

Disorientation!!

The title so matches my state of mind at this point. “Perplexed” , that is what I am!!

Last few days, there were some major career related decisions happening at my end, I gathered my instincts and decided what I did not want, which way I did not want to go.The fact that I took some real risk still amazes me but the whole process behind the “brain digging experience” had been a tiring one. I spoke to a number of people, listened to advices, worked real hard for some things that are still unattained , and came to a conclusion. A year or more it took !!

But then I keep getting a feeling time and again, Have I planned enough,Do I really have the determination to attain those incomplete goals, those childhood aspirations and dreams. I do not remember the last time I had been so “Point blank” about any major decisions. When I prioritize, I give equal importance to family, relationships, growth, finances and what not. But, then I am unable to follow a definite path of action. If I gain on one aspect, there is loss on another….Homo Sapiens!! I say, a tough breed!!

I do not know how much sense do I make here, but then somewhere in future, when I come back and read, I should be able to recall all the stuff that made me reach a certain point in life, which I am sure I would be proud of !!

Life in bullet points !!

  • There was a trip to Pondicherry in February and it was pure fun. I saw the sea for the first time in my life and I just felt like embracing those waves every time they made a rush….It made me realise what a tiny thing I am in the big big universe !!
  • There have been major moments of disappointment at work. The uncontrollable situations make me mad. Where you just can’t do anything,because it does not depend on you….but then it affects my work, and I always thought my work will always be the way I want, Hmph 😦 !!
  • March is work,work and work. And March is also for some big things in April (can’t disclose now though) but I need to work up the month of March in the best way possible..I cannot handle mediocrity, I have to try the best shot,Pray for me please …..will you ?
  • I suddenly feel the lack of close-friends-since-years around me. Some settled abroad and some are planning to. I suddenly feel the lack of people with whom I have spent 7 precious years of my life….at times it is heart breaking but then I am happy that my best friends have made it to what they aimed at, anti-jinx to that. 
  • I have started loving oranges and water-melons like never before. Its been a month that I have to have one or the other daily. I love to cook as always , even if its the simplest things, Makes me happy 🙂
  • I have seen the worst cases of hypocrisy in the past few days, and it irritates me to the core. Why double standards when nobody judges anybody ?
  • So many friends are getting married and I love to see them shopping for pretty things, setting up there homes from scratch, the beam in their eyes when they talk about their “own” homes, Bliss !!

I could not help but smile :)

A random telephonic conversation with the little sis goes as below :

Sis : Hi, What’s up ?
Me : Nothing, just walking back from office.
Sis : Arey, just called to ask you, you wanted a casual skirt na, something knee length, rap around style ??
Me : Haan, tried at so many places, no luck yet….
Sis : I have seen one at XYZ store, it is the same style you wanted and has every colour on earth on it, would go with any top you wear, but then the size is XL ( and goes on….)
Me : I don’t want, you buy if you like it, anyways I don’t want to get into the alteration issue….I just don’t find the time to get it done and those clothes keep lying in my closet untouched for months….Don’t get it for me please..
Sis : Arey waise bhi you are not coming home for 2-3 months….I ll get it….
Me: (interrupting) I said na don’t get for me…
Sis : I ll get it altered till you come….
Me : No, I don’t want something that does not fit me,I really don’t want…
Sis : Don’t give stupid reasons, I am getting it for you….
Me : Don’t argue yaar, told you I don’t want, No means No….
Sis bangs the phone and I thought it was an end to the issue….

The very next day on G-talk :
Me : You reached office?
Sis : Ya, forgot to give you a call ….
Me : That’s OK,but don’t forget tomorrow onwards(She is at an internship in a new city, so that’s a ritual we follow just to ensure she has reached office safely.)
Sis : Sure baby….and yes….You may get angry but don’t get angry….OK….

I got the skirt for you….Because 
1. It was pretty 
2. It was rap-around style 
3. You won’t get it at a flat 50% off
4. I wanted to buy something for you
5. I will get it altered and you will receive it in your size only
So, No fights…..
and Yes,
 6. I told mom I am buying the skirt…and she was on my side… 🙂

Now, what could I do except smile. 🙂