I so wish I could go back in time and change what I decided for myself. I never knew it would hit me so hard in the long run. I hate to see my parents and my sister suffer because of me. But I really do not know what else I could do, apart from working hard. I understand the logic behind what others try to explain but I just cannot bring myself to stop thinking. Someone who never believed luck can alter lives is made to believe the same in a harsh way. I am so blank sometimes that what I just want to do is sit back rather than fighting back and these are the moments that scare me the most. The tasks that lie ahead are not too hard to achieve but what brings my mind to doubt is the predictability that things would stay,that they would not be snatched away after being mine. I retrospect and find all the aspects of my life blurring away, and I am just running to catch hold of them. I hardly talk to anyone about it because there has been so much hurt caused in the past few days from the people closest to my heart that when words reach my tongue,they just disappear leaving me clueless. This feeling of being a culprit just does not leave me. It makes me cry every single night from the past few days but brings me back to my normal self in the mornings. I just make an effort to not lie down unless I am too sleepy because that is when the mind wanders into directions that are unknown and it is hard work to bring it back to feasible solutions and practical ways. This might not be the end of the world but has caused me enough irritation,anger,frustration and guilt. I just want to fight this back fiercely and gain the lost confidence. I do not really know what would help,I guess reading might. It takes me to a different world altogether, where people attain impossible goals,build dream houses, put up with shit,fight it back and find directions to pull themselves out of the mess. And I believe that fiction is derived from lives. If they could, may be, I could too. Building a self support system is what I need the most,for myself and my family. I cannot lose myself to small failures. That is not what I have been taught.
I do not know what sense these posts mean to the ones reading them,but they surely are a means of venting out,what goes inside my mind and haunts it unknowingly.